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[21 May 2007|12:29pm] |
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life has been fun lately. Free from drugs, going to lots of shows hanging out with lots of friends, old and new. This summer might be a lot of fun i think. Coachella was a blast, had a great time seeing so many great bands. ummmm.....who wants to hang out!?
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[06 Apr 2007|02:20pm] |
more whining.
here ya go.
3 friends that i can trust, and hang out with regularly. Erin, Alex, and Chris.
Chris is dating Erin now, and Alex changed his number and won't return my calls.
guess it's time to find some new friends.
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[25 Mar 2007|02:31pm] |
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Rx Bandits show was fun. Missed P.O.S. because Blake wasn't drunk enough. Couldn't get mad because he bought the tickets. Bunch of my homies were talking shit about me last night. Pretty glad i spent so much time cleaning blake's puke for him to talk shit about me. fuck you guys later
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[12 Mar 2007|01:16am] |
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I haven't slept in 40 hours. I'm so confused I just wanna give up, but for some reason I can't. No matter how hard I try, I can't give up. I want a lot of things that I cannot have, and I have plenty of things I do not want. Someone talk to me, I have so much to say, and no one to listen. I have a lot to unload, and I need someone who won't judge me by what I say. Mabye I'll just post it all in fuggin livejournal. Fuck. I love you all.
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[06 Mar 2007|11:13am] |
oh and beth, in reference to the vaux show, and all the other times we were supposed to hang out, i'm sorry.
I'm a piece of shit.
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[04 Mar 2007|12:41pm] |
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tired
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[06 Feb 2007|04:01pm] |
So for the last several months i have not been myself. I have been a person that myself would have despised in recent years, yet somehow i have slowly molded in the opposite direction. I have sinned against my family and friends, leaving everything in shambles, and the only thing i can come up with as a reason, is drug use. Constant substance abuse including everything from ciggarettes to serious drugs has left me constantly questioning friendships and responsibilities. My priorities have washed away and there have been times when i would do anything to get away from reality, no matter what i'm taking, or how much it costs. It seems to me that this is a cycle of destruction. I do drugs to escape reality because reality is a very disheartening experiece lately, and that seems to be only because i'd rather be doing drugs. I'm not writing this for sympathy, and i'm not writing this to seem cool in any way. I feel that i've reached a point where i need to go one way or another in life, and my direction will be the opposite of the way i'm currently headed. Permanent damage has been done to my personality, as i'm sure many people will notice if they are around me enough, and this has affected the way people treat me and act around me. All respect is lost, and I appear to no longer be the fun loving person all of my friends seemed to know and love so well. So I have to make this choice, and it won't be easy, but i'm willing to try my hardest. Today is day 2 of drug free sobriety. To all the friends I've lost, I'm sorry for my disloyalty. Support me. To all the friends who remain, thank you for your continuous support. To all of my enemies, I don't know you, but you apparently know me. Feel free to keep i that way. It's time for me to once again love life, and not crave substance to have fun. I will continue to update this with.....progress (for lack of a better word). I have nothing but love in my heart, and i guess I'll let it be know once again.
thank you for your time.
feedback is appreciated.
-Nick McGrail
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[13 Jan 2007|02:35am] |
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i'm slipping into darkness and i just let it continue because i feel that there is no one who cares enough to tell me when i need help. i've become the person i always made fun of in high school. not the chad vanquarterback but the idiot that did idiot shit all the time. the damage is done and i procrastinate the rebuilding of friendships and relationships.
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[04 Jan 2007|11:34am] |
"just remember, now matter how bad it gets, there's always light at the end of the tunnel."
prove it. somebody.
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[08 Dec 2006|10:25am] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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Cunninlynguists - Missing Children |
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I find myself often becoming angry at myself and others for the most trivial reasons lately. why is it that in a time of such holiday bliss, i can find no peace. I fear that I'm losing the only one left. I have but three friends that still bless my presence and that number dwindels yet. One of these friends is a brilliant person; she has the idea to make me smile in the worst of situations and very few days have gone by that we have not spent time together. Here's the issue, her boyfriend lives in Oregon. When he came back here for the summer last year, I barely saw her. The blossoming relationship had shut me out from my best friend for the entire summer. He left after the leaves fell from all the trees and fast foward to today. Her boyfriend's plane touched down in Denver sometime late last night. Now it will be only hours before i realize that the same scenario has come back full circle. There's a birthday party tonight for Mr. T R Bremer. Me and my best friend planned on going to this together seeing as how it's in boulder and we're here in Aurora. I found out last night that She's going with him now. The process has already begun.
Now, this may seem like a jealous misunderstanding, but it should be known that i have no romantic feelings for this girl. She is the single most divine person i have ever met, and she is my best friend.
but i guess i need to accept that i will only have this best friend in the spring and fall.
so who wants to be my winter buddy?
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| Life |
[31 Oct 2006|01:50am] |
so i haven't written in here in months, but i have a lot to say and no one to listen, so i remembered the LJ steez. Basically, I have fallen. I have turned my back on every friend and family member that ever gave me the time of day. Is this all my fault? What ever happened to the happiness and innocence of existence? How do you climb back up once you've lost everything you ever loved? When there was bad times, I could always turn to someone for help and reassurance, and now all I can do is turn the headphones up. I've fallen out of touch, and fallen deeper in to music and art. Now this is a good thing in a way i suppose, but as the saying goes, it's lonely at the top. Unfortunately in my case, I'm not even at the top. So it's lonely at the bottom. I just want someone to understand me. My deep rooted hate for my ex-roommate was never understood. I came out as the asshole because his fakeness and lies prevailed in misleading everyone i called a friend, which in turn caused me to alienate myself because my anger ran so deep that i could do nothing but talk about how much i hated him and every thing he did. So then i became just as bad as he was. What a pathetic few months i've led. How can i be so angry at a person that i would spend so much time showing my disproval. Someone once told me how she thought that I could see people for who they truly are. This has become my downfall. I saw this person for who he truly was when no one else did, and no one understood why i had such anger in me. I've never been an angry person and i've never had anger in my heart that simply wouldn't go away and i don't know how to put it to a stop. How is it possible that just in the last few months, i have alienated so many, and been alienated by so many. I've lost so many close friends over the stupidest shit that is just meaningless in life. How is it that long term friendships are just over without a word being said about anything? Have i really become so blind to reality that I have nowhere to turn anymore? Where is my shoulder to cry on? Who do I have to confide in? Everything has fallen, and there is no ressurection. What's lost is lost, and there is no clean slate. Unfortunately, I can't blame myself for everything. I put so much into friendships, I try my hardest to make everyone happy, and I do all that i can to please people, and i just get shit on. Nobody takes me seriously. I give and give and give, and no one will give back. People use me every day. I give them what they want, and then they throw it in my face. Where is the gratitude? If I spend money for someone, I don't ever expect to have the money back, I just expect that person to be greatful that i have done them this favor. There's never been a worse feeling than betrayal by someone you truly trust. There were so many people that i would do absolutely anything for, and those people tried to stab me in the back, but it was too much work, so eventually they just stab me in the chest because it's less work for them to sneak around behind my back.
i have more.
mabye later.
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[14 Oct 2005|01:38am] |
horse the band new cd good.
vendetta red changed my mind not too good.
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[05 Oct 2005|11:47pm] |
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vendetta red is good.
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| red chord |
[02 Oct 2005|01:00am] |
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mood |
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music |
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elevator division |
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red chord.
without a doubt, the best band i've EVER seen live.
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[10 Sep 2005|01:53pm] |
asleeponFurBeach: you bangin that 28 year old yet?
JPR5412: haha nah, it wasn't serious
JPR5412: that woulda been sick though, having to park my car down the street, then having to sneak back out at 3 AM
asleeponFurBeach: what?
JPR5412: so her kids wouldnt find out
asleeponFurBeach: oh shit
asleeponFurBeach: that's funny as hell
asleeponFurBeach: you pimp
JPR5412: i redefined the word
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[06 Sep 2005|09:23am] |
hahahahahahaha
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[30 Aug 2005|01:02am] |
ummmmmmm......MALADY BROKE UP!!!!
and engine down is going to.
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[24 Aug 2005|09:58pm] |
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i like the word "awful".
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[23 Aug 2005|10:51pm] |
as i lay dying last night.
texas is on fire has gotten worse.
and i still hate lenore. good music though.
so...basically...lenor.i.p. ahaha
3 bitches i know from myspace came up to me at the show. which means i'm a complete fag.
devin was there but i didn't see him and ian was there but only outside handing out fliers.
end of post.
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